The year before Lee died, I joined a virtual choir in England. One of the pieces we learned was Quanta Qualia. We were told that the lyrics described how happy we would be when we could get together and sing in an in-person choir. After Lee died, I was struck by the beauty of this message: Lee and I singing together again in heaven. I wrote to the choir director for permission to include our recording in Lee’s memorial service. He agreed. A few days later, I got a letter from

Decreased appetite is very common as someone is dying. The body is slowing down, and forcing food can increase discomfort (nausea, choking, bloating, aspiration). A caregiver’s goal usually shifts from “nutrition” to comfort he key concept: the patient needs to control what they eat, how much they eat, and when they have had enough. The caregiver’s role: Follow their cues. Offer, but don’t pressure. Offer small amounts, more often. A spoonful or a few bites can be plenty. Pri

Embrace the truth that one must feel to heal. Give yourself permission to feel. Seek environments where it is safe to express your feelings. Accept your feelings as you learn how best to respond to them.  Accepting and Expressing Your Feelings One of the tasks we must accomplish if we are to recover from the pain of grief is to accept feelings when they rise. The most significant thing we can do with our feelings, once we accept them, is to express them.  There are two ways t

Silence often surrounds death. Caregivers typically avoid conversations out of fear of saying the wrong thing, while dying individuals may remain quiet to protect those they love. Yet silence can increase anxiety on both sides. At this stage of your life, you may be facing many concerns: anxiety, fear, uncertainty about what happens after death, and worries about practical matters. And, like others who have shared your experience, perhaps you don’t want to appear fearful or n

My goal is simple: to be here—steady as morning light. To listen when words are few, to notice what you need before you have to ask. To hold your hand through the hard minutes, and not rush your leaving. To keep you comfortable, to keep you safe, to love you well—all the way to the last breath.

Permission to Be Human — A Quiet Act of Care Caregivers often carry an unspoken expectation to be endlessly patient, strong, and selfless. Your role, especially at the end of life, was emotionally demanding and physically exhausting. Perhaps a better word: consuming.  And, if you are like many of us, after the death of the one we cared for, there is only a huge void.  Allow me to create space for you to breathe and to feel your grief. “I know this was hard for you.”  Frustrat

Naming What Matters — How Meaning Sustains Caregivers As an End-of-Life Coach, I have been a partner with people who had to deal with what people, those who are busy living life, rarely consider. For most of my clients, there is a profound shift in perspective.  What once felt urgent fades, and what truly matters comes into focus. Of course, looking at the day-to-day challenges is part of preparing to die. But in the quiet times, knowing we will not be present makes us wonder

What matters in life is rarely what we once thought it would be. It isn’t how much we accomplished or how efficiently we carried the load. What matters is who we loved, and whether we let ourselves be changed by that love. It is the way we showed up—tired, uncertain, imperfect—and stayed anyway. It is the moments we choose kindness over control, rest over proving, honesty over silence. In the end, what matters is not how much we endured, but whether we lived with an open hear

I have a friend staying with me for a week. We have been looking forward to this visit for a while. This young man drove us all over England when my daughter and I visited a few years ago. I cleaned the house, changed the linen, emptied drawers, and made room in the closet. All done, or so I thought. We went to bed last night and, of course, I shut the bedroom door. Galadriel was not used to this, as she typically went downstairs in the middle of the night. At 2 am, I felt a

Life gets complicated sometimes. Last Sunday, we celebrated my grandson’s birthday. He and his wife invited me for dinner. I asked what I could bring. My designated contributions: cauliflower with cheese sauce and Moose Tracks Ice Cream. I found the recipe for the cheese sauce online and planned to purchase the ice cream.  I thought I knew about Moose Tracks ice cream and looked for it at all my usual grocery shops. But no Moose Tracks.  What to do? Ask Siri. Turns out that M

I grew up in a country where bicycle riding was hazardous. Getting down the driveway presented a hazard by itself. But the main risk was bicycling along a twisting country road where most drivers did not know there was a speed limit, let alone pay attention to it.  When was in my 50’s, my husband, Lee, and I decided to take up cycling. We bought matching Trek bikes and helmets. Lee had ridden bicycles all his life and was anxious to get started. But I needed to learn the basi

God gave me a gift, a portion of His love, a small, brave spark shining against the dark. It is up to me whether to cherish and care for the flame or walk away and let it sit in the corner of my heart.  If fed with care, this love will grow steady and bright, warming cold hours, casting light on hidden corners, and teaching hearts to grow.  But this love, if ignored, will fade to ash that will blow away in the winds of strife.  If fanned by uncontrolled passion, this love wil

When I was in graduate school studying psychology, a phrase that kept coming up was Prosocial Behavior. On its face, this simply means doing things that benefit the society I live in. The formal description: actions people choose to do that help, support, or benefit others. They foster trust, safety, and cooperation among people. For caregivers, it might seem like I am adding an extra burden. Let me rephrase the question: despite the stress of caregiving, what steps can I tak

I shared this memory two years ago.  As Lee’s heart failure advanced, he often struggled with feelings of discouragement and questioned his impact on the world. But, during his years of service to our country, this Air Force veteran was decorated for actions that saved lives. During the Vietnam Conflict, Lee served as a boom operator (an in-flight refueling technician). One night, a fighter jet approached for refueling. Unfortunately, Lee’s boom pod light, which had been work

Years ago, during a stressful shift at the hospital where I worked, the charge nurse encouraged her staff with the following: “When you are up to your knees in alligators, it is hard to remember how well you are draining the swamp.” As a caregiver during the last year of my husband’s life, I developed the habit of examining my mistakes, identifying what was lacking, inadequate, and painful. Our palliative care social worker recommended a book by M.J.Ryan: The Power of Gratitu

Our sense of loss intensifies when one area of life (work, caregiving, achievement, crisis, grief, spiritual distress) consistently overwhelms the others. Symptoms vary with the individual, but the suffering associated with the imbalance can lead to physical disease, emotional distress, or relational disturbance. Here are some ways that we can protect ourselves from harm.  Physical Well-being : Regular exercise, healthy eating, adequate sleep, and care for your body’s needs.