As Lee’s caregiver, my days were filled with the quiet routines that keep a life going—preparing meals, managing medications, helping with hygiene, and doing my best to preserve some sense of normalcy. I tried to meet each need as it came, one task at a time, as calmly and faithfully as I could. Even so, I learned that I also needed small moments of care for myself. At Lee’s urging, I went to the beauty shop each week, did simple exercises like leg lifts and squats, and liste

One of the most Important questions that Lee had during his last days: Was my life worthwhile? Do you have these moments too? This life review is common to people who are forced to recognize their declining abilities. This can be a source of satisfaction. and bring peace. It can also shed light on past failures and omissions. Under fear, illness, pain, or fatigue, the nervous system begins to focus on past failures and omissions. That can cause people to: remember failures m

After the death of a spouse, the world can feel unfamiliar—like you are learning to breathe, think, and live in a new way. In the early days of grief, there are four main challenges that, when gently met over time, can provide a foundation for building a new life while still honoring the love you shared. You do not “get over” the loss of your husband or wife. Instead, you grow into a different way of living—one that carries forward what was meaningful, preserves the good that

When is it time to transition from Palliative Care to Hospice? Caregivers often recognize the shift first—not because they’re pessimistic, but because they live inside the day-to-day reality. You might notice: You’re managing more between visits. Symptoms calm down briefly, then come back stronger. You feel constantly “on alert,” afraid of what might happen next. You don’t know when to call for help anymore. You feel tired in a way rest doesn’t fix. These feelings aren’t fai

Last week I shared that a client and I are working on a path for her to find peace. This week, I want to share more about my years of offering comfort care to terminally ill patients. Physical comfort matters. Pain control, gentle touch, soft music, familiar scents, and a quiet environment can help the nervous system to settle. Slow breathing is helpful. Take deep breaths for a slow count of four, hold it for four, and exhale to a count of four. The slower the count, the gre

Throughout life, our needs are in constant motion. In our time of grief, we need more support and encouragement than they needed in the past. Those of us who see ourselves as “givers” do not know how to sit back and receive. We may not even recognize what friends can offer. An old proverb says: A wealthy man is the one who has five friends. Maybe this list shows why that may be true. Accept us as we are Fun to Be With Does not try to fix our problems Listens withou

You are invited to join a non-organization: The Kindness Brigade. There is no enrollment form, no membership fees, no rules, and no accountability except your personal commitment to align with the foundational principle: Acting with kindness and lifting people with encouraging words is our contribution to restoring the principles of peace and respect in a country experiencing confusion and political turmoil. It is a personal commitment made by more than 450 people who have a

I must share an experience. One of my smoke detectors started to beep. An intentionally annoying sound that prompts a battery change. Of course, the smoke detector is on the ceiling and can be accessed only by ladder. And, given my age and history of fractures, my children made me promise to avoid ladders unless I was wearing bubble wrap. It took only a phone call to Steve. Within a few hours, the beep was gone. Steve is a young man who has been a family friend for years.

As Lee's health declined, we anticipated physical deterioration. Our cardiac care nurse practitioner told us it was time to access additional services to help us navigate the challenges ahead. We asked for information about hospice because it was the only option we knew about. Because we were not ready to stop medical treatment for his heart disease, she referred us to palliative care. For those unfamiliar with palliative care, here is a brief summary of the services it can p

Finding Peace in Troubled Times26 End of the Journey 4/10/26 Peace in Troubled Times Finding Peace in Troubled Times26 When headwinds howl, and daylight feels too thin, I cup my breath and let the quiet in; A steady pulse beneath the rushing noise, A small, unbroken place where I can choose. I cannot calm the storm that fills the sky, But I can tend the lamp I carry by— One kind word, one clear step, one softened face; And in that living, I remember peace.

After a loss, mourners often face not only grief but also others’ expectations and advice. To cope, many create a personal "bill of rights" that includes the right to a unique experience, personal feelings, and supportive connections. This is the second of a three-week series: The Rights of the Mourner. I have the right to feel what I am feeling in the moment, regardless of how they shift from moment to moment. I have the right to feel a multitude of emotions or not. I have t

The year before Lee died, I joined a virtual choir in England. One of the pieces we learned was Quanta Qualia. We were told that the lyrics described how happy we would be when we could get together and sing in an in-person choir. After Lee died, I was struck by the beauty of this message: Lee and I singing together again in heaven. I wrote to the choir director for permission to include our recording in Lee’s memorial service. He agreed. A few days later, I got a letter from

Decreased appetite is very common as someone is dying. The body is slowing down, and forcing food can increase discomfort (nausea, choking, bloating, aspiration). A caregiver’s goal usually shifts from “nutrition” to comfort he key concept: the patient needs to control what they eat, how much they eat, and when they have had enough. The caregiver’s role: Follow their cues. Offer, but don’t pressure. Offer small amounts, more often. A spoonful or a few bites can be plenty. Pri

Embrace the truth that one must feel to heal. Give yourself permission to feel. Seek environments where it is safe to express your feelings. Accept your feelings as you learn how best to respond to them. Accepting and Expressing Your Feelings One of the tasks we must accomplish if we are to recover from the pain of grief is to accept feelings when they rise. The most significant thing we can do with our feelings, once we accept them, is to express them. There are two ways t

Silence often surrounds death. Caregivers typically avoid conversations out of fear of saying the wrong thing, while dying individuals may remain quiet to protect those they love. Yet silence can increase anxiety on both sides. At this stage of your life, you may be facing many concerns: anxiety, fear, uncertainty about what happens after death, and worries about practical matters. And, like others who have shared your experience, perhaps you don’t want to appear fearful or n

My goal is simple: to be here—steady as morning light. To listen when words are few, to notice what you need before you have to ask. To hold your hand through the hard minutes, and not rush your leaving. To keep you comfortable, to keep you safe, to love you well—all the way to the last breath.

Permission to Be Human — A Quiet Act of Care Caregivers often carry an unspoken expectation to be endlessly patient, strong, and selfless. Your role, especially at the end of life, was emotionally demanding and physically exhausting. Perhaps a better word: consuming. And, if you are like many of us, after the death of the one we cared for, there is only a huge void. Allow me to create space for you to breathe and to feel your grief. “I know this was hard for you.” Frustrat

Naming What Matters — How Meaning Sustains Caregivers As an End-of-Life Coach, I have been a partner with people who had to deal with what people, those who are busy living life, rarely consider. For most of my clients, there is a profound shift in perspective. What once felt urgent fades, and what truly matters comes into focus. Of course, looking at the day-to-day challenges is part of preparing to die. But in the quiet times, knowing we will not be present makes us wonder

What matters in life is rarely what we once thought it would be. It isn’t how much we accomplished or how efficiently we carried the load. What matters is who we loved, and whether we let ourselves be changed by that love. It is the way we showed up—tired, uncertain, imperfect—and stayed anyway. It is the moments we choose kindness over control, rest over proving, honesty over silence. In the end, what matters is not how much we endured, but whether we lived with an open hear

I have a friend staying with me for a week. We have been looking forward to this visit for a while. This young man drove us all over England when my daughter and I visited a few years ago. I cleaned the house, changed the linen, emptied drawers, and made room in the closet. All done, or so I thought. We went to bed last night and, of course, I shut the bedroom door. Galadriel was not used to this, as she typically went downstairs in the middle of the night. At 2 am, I felt a